Fearless Prognostications

Week 11 Fearless Prognostications

It ain't over till it's over, but the plump lady is clearin her vocal chords for some teams and more than a few coaches. I'm clearin my mouth for another swig of the good stuff if you know what I mean. And you do. Last week this Fearless Prognosticator went 10-4, bringin the yearly to 94-38-1. I've decided to cross the Writer's Guild picket line to keep my fans happy. On to this week's Most Fearless Prognostications....

Auburn at Georgia: The teletubby is workin hard to get his team ready to play the bullpupps betwixt the hedges -it's been a tough week though while he tries to negotiate to take Fran's place out in Aggieville. Rumor has the Bulldogs breakin out black jerseys or black pants or somethin. I just hope they don't forget the brown stuff brewin out back. Richt turned the SEC on it's ear with their victory over the Crocs, and even with a bad fashion statement, they should be able to take care of the War Eagles. Athenites, Rejoice. Dawwwwgs 21 War Eagles 17

Air Force at Notre Dame: Did you hear this? The Air Force academy actually returned tickets for this game. Apparently watching another service academy smoke Notre Dame is no big deal. Tickets available, TV ratings down 36% - if Irish football were a sitcom, it would have been pulled off the air by now. Funny, the current Irish coach has about the same record as the last head coach who got run out because the record was unacceptable. The Carma is catching up with the Irish dudes. Flyboys 30 Irish 28

Georgia Tech at Duke: The Techsters have underwhelmed, at best, all season long. But they could start your mother at quarterback and beat this Dukie team. And I do mean Dookie. Bees 35 Pooh 0

Arkansas at Tennessee: In this topsey turby football season, the head pumpkin finds his team remarkably in charge of their own destiny in the race for the SEC Championship. Win out, and they get the honour of gettin smoked by LSU. The Davy Crockets couldn't stop 'Bama or Florida. And their rushing defense is horrid. Guess what the Razorpiggies are gonna do about 75 times on Saturday? Run the ball. Into infinity. Take some bar-b-q, but just don't expect a happy ending if your a Crocket fan. Nuttmeister can't even screw this up. Pigglets 27 Crockets 20

Texas A&M at Missouri: Coach Fran is winding up his Texas A&M career in fine fashion. Seems like only yesterday he was walkin out on Alabama. This week's farewell tour takes us to Columbia, Missouri, where the only thing really in doubt is the final score. No, I'm not talking about the game. I'm talking about the amount of Fran's buyout. Turns out, if he hadn't had that stupid $38,000 a year newsletter, he might be pocketing $8m. Now he'll be lucky to get any of it. Fran needs to stop holding ropes and get a financial planner. Retirement is coming early this year. A&M is 77th in the NCAA in total defense. Missouri is 7th in total offense. You do the math. Tigers 49 Aggieland 13

Connecticut at Cincinnati: The Huskie Dogs invade Cincy for some good food and a Big East rumble. UConn has its sights on a BCS bowl game if they can win out; which is pretty convenient, cause the Cincy coach may already have his sights on the coming vacancy at Nebraska. The Bumblin Bearcats are no longer bumblers, they're pretty good. The Dogs don't exactly have any secret weapons on offense; the BCS dreams come crashing down, along with some ribs from the good restaurant on the river. Bearkittens 30 UConn 20

Kentucky at Vanderbilt: Can you believe this is a fight for a bowl birth? Yeah, that's right, even the Doormats are in the mix. The Mildcats have a first-rounder at QB, and the Doormats scored higher on their SATs. Ok, so Vandy dudes will be running the company later, but ain't it a lot more fun to play winning football? The Doormats haven't been to a bowl game since Reagan was in office. In his first term. And bowl eligibility holds off another week. Mildcats 31 Doormats 24

Florida at South Carolina: The shine is a bit off the bourbon bottle in Columbia where the War Chickens had the SEC East firmly in hand, only to let it slip horribly away in the last month. The Evil Genius now gets to try to spoil Croc Nation's weekend. The Gators are in a position they have not been in much over the last 17 years: actually caring how Georgia fares in their game against Aubrun. Take a shot of the good stuff, bring out the black jerseys, and stir in some distraction, and you have recipe for Croc Soup in Chicken Country. War Chickens 22 Crocs 21

Louisiana Tech at LSU: The mad scientist that is the Cajun football coach got away with another one (won) last week in Tuscaloosa. His team finally overcame their coach in the late going to take out an inspired Pachyderm team. The Cajuns won't be excitin this week, but they don't have too. They're playing the Techsters. Nuff said. Tiger Dudes 73 Techters 0

Ole Miss at Idle: Eleven schools from the SEC might make bowl eligibility. The Rebs won't be one of them, as they apparently waived the white flag back in week one. No conference wins. Nada. And this week presents a pretty stiff test at Idle. The burner on the coach's back side turns up a notch. Idle 13 Ole Miss 10

Alabama at Mississippi State: Sabanator's bunch took a heartbreakin loss last week to LSU. A game that they had essentially won until the late going. The Pachyderm record is now the same this year as it was this time last year - the question is which way will the Tide ebb - North or South? This ain't your daddy's Starkvegas squad neither, with nice road wins over the Mildcats and Tigers. This is prime upset territory. But there is a difference between this Tide team and last year: coaching. Pachyderms come out flat, then smoke the puppies. Elephants 42 Starkville 10

Kansas at Oklahoma State: The Jaybirds haven't flown this high since one flew over the cornfield nest. Actually, they haven't been 10-0 since 1899. That's before you and me were here. They jumped on a horrible Cornfield team last Saturday, and have been reading lots of press clippings this week about winning the Big 12. Let's not forget their schedule is full of more cream puffs than a bakery, and that includes Nebraska. The Cowgirls have an offense too, and have been playing right decent in recent weeks. You know, except for that annual blow-the-big-lead Texas game. It's in Stillwater. And that's not all that will be flowin near gametime. Cowgirls 42 Jaybirds 38

USC at California: Trojan Man versus a six pack of Golden Bears. Several weeks ago this looked like the game of the year in the Pathetic 10. Is this game even on TV? Ok, it's not that bad. These two are playin for a nice second-tier bowl in El Paso or something. Pull out the Tacos, and go find the Tequila. The Golden Dudes have Trojan Man at home, just where they want them. Bears 38 Trojan Man 31

Week 10 Fearless Prognostications

Here we are in November. Gotta love it. The leaves are changin, coaches are roastin, and we're rollin towards Turkey Day with some pretense intense rivalry games. Last week we went 8-3, to bring our annual totals to 84-34-1. Better than average. On to this week's most Fearless Prognostications...

Navy at Notre Dame: The Boat Dudes haven't beaten the South Bend Catholics since Lincoln was president. Ok, that's not exactly true, but it certainly seems like it. Something like 43 and counting. But this ain't your pappy's Irish lot. They are horrible on both sides of the ball. Even the water boy sucks. If there was ever a moment in time when Navy could stop the insanity, it's this week. Ok, so Navy lost to a division II team last week. It was close, and many might not consider Notre Dame in the same class as Delaware. Take Navy, and be nice to your Irish friends, cause they are going something like 1-17 this year. Middies 30 Domers 21

LSU at Alabama: Over in Tuscaloosa, they are calling this Saban Bowl. Yep, that's right, and it's probably bigger than the Super Bowl to folks in Cajun Country and T-town. Les Miles brings his Cajuns to face a down right surprising bunch of Pachyderms. Both coaches have already said "this ain't about the coaches." Yeah, right, and your momma wears army boots. And to make matters more interestin, this game ain't just about the coaches, but the winner gains control of the SEC West. Kickoff is late, which tells me the beverages will have plenty of time to kick in. It's gonna be rowdy, and it's gonna be close. Take a fifth, but leave the women and children at home. Pachyderms 17 Cajuns 14

Texas A&M at Oklahoma: Franchione has a new newsletter. He sends it to agents and recruiters hoping to figure out where he'll be coaching next year. He once told 'Bama kids to "hold the rope." I'm guessing that's exactly what the A&M Board of Trustees is doing right now. The Boomer Sooners don't do anything to help his cause - either here or there. Boomers 30 Military Dudes 13

Tennessee Tech at Auburn: This one would be one of the games of the day - if only "Tech" wasn't in the name. Tubby's bunch gets well before it hits amen corner. Tigers 100 Techsters 2

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech: The Gobblers lost a heart breaker last week when the Catholics - Boston Style - got a prayer answered with two touchdowns in the final two minutes. Ouch. Somethin tells me the head Gobbler had them runnin sprints on Monday. The Bees beat the stew out of Idle, setting up a pivotal match in the ACC. Neither offense seems especially impressive, which means somebody's foul up will lead the other to victory. The Bees have the Varsity, and home crowd advantage. Get extra chili on the dog. Ramblin Bees 20 Gobblers 17

Rutgers at Connecticut: Stop the insanity. Do you know that the UConn Huskies are in first in the Big Least, and have a chance to go to a BcS Bowl? What? The Scarlet Rs took down a spirited South Florida squad on their way to a championship. The very same thing's gonna happen in Hartford. The Dogs are gonna have just a little too much difficulty containing that Scarlet running back that's setting all kinds of records. Scarlets 27 Dogs 17

Vanderbilt at Florida: The good news for the Doormats is that they are on the cusp of their first winning season since Tennessee became a state. The bad news is they are facing a Florida team that didn't just get beat last week against Georgia - they got embarrassed. Urban Legend and the Crocs can't take another loss, and the Ship dudes just aren't used to winning SEC games on the road. Ok, or at home for that matter. Take the Crocs, but closer than the oddsdudes think. Crocs 28 Doormats 23

Nebraska at Kansas: The Cornshucks blew a big lead last week at Texas. They lost their starting QB. They are 19 point dogs to Kansas, and this ain't basketball. I wonder if the Jayhawks will put one of those little rockin chairs at midfield for Callahan, cause this is surely his last visit to Lawrence as the Cornshuck Coach. Jaybirds 31 Cornholios 10

Troy at Georgia: Reckon the whole Georgia team will celebrate it's first touchdown over Troy this week? How 'bout it's seventh? The Trojans have pulled some stunners, but don't look for that this week in Athenia. Richt's biggest challenge? Keeping his first string awake after the second team goes in. Dawgies 49 Troy 0

South Carolina at Arkansas: The Evil Genius brings his War Chickens to Fayetteville to play the Fighten Texters. The Piggies, picked by many to finish in the upper half of the SEC West, are fighting just to stay out of the cellar. The Chickens still have a chance to win the East; unfortunately for the Nuttmesiter, his rollover minutes are about to expire. Chickens 28 Nutts 19

Northwestern State at Ole Miss: Why? I'm guessing several hundred thousand dollars. If Ole Miss loses this one, I'll run nekked through the Grove. Rebs 85 State 6

Louisiana Lafayette at Tennessee: The Big Orange Pumpkin got lucky last week when his boys pulled one out of their hind ends against the Evil Genius and his War Chickens. Amazingly, after just getting blown out by 'Bama and Florida, the Crockets are in control of their own destiny in the SEC East. The flying Lafayetters have no shot, unless they are lookin for bourbon after the game. Crockets 63 L2s 0

Wisconsin at Ohio State: Who cut the Cheese? Wisconsin. The Cheese Dudes barely hung on early in the season before finally gettin exposed. The Nuts from Columbus when to State College last week and did what good teams are supposed too: shillacking an inferior opponent. This team from Columbus is the real deal. No cutting of the cheese this week. Nuts 24 Cheese Whiz 10

Arizona State at Oregon: Sun Devils and Quack Attacks collide in high fashion this Saturday in Eugene. Even ESPN Gameday will be there, which says old Corso is gonna have to get up early to hit the set. The Devil Dudes have surprised everybody this year, but the QB is ailin. The Donald Ducks took out Trojan Man last week, and this week put their stamp on a Pac-10 Championship. Quacks 49 SunDudes 42

Week 9 Fearless Prognostications

Last week this Fearless Prognosticator improved his record to 8-4, bringing us to 76-31-1 on the year. You know, I'm not a bettin man, but those aren't bad figures heading towards Halloween. Thanks to our new friends in Clinton, South Carolina, for bringing us in the "Doghouse" on  Sportsradio 1410 . Totally enjoyed it! On to this week's most Fearless, and I do mean Fearless, Prognostications:

Georgia vs Florida: Gosh, who doesn't want to pick the Dawgs in this one. They have lost something like 30 in a row to the Crocs. Of course, a little known fact is that the Crocs have been idle the week before the Georgia game 13 of the last 15 years. But not this year. I detect a pattern. Anyway, let's remember that this isn't just any ole game in the South, it's the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. There, I said it. Say it with me, cause there will be more than one kind of brew flowin this weekend in Jacksonville. The Crocs have Tebow, but they also have a schedule that has been downright unkind in recent weeks.Dawgies have been planning for this one since July. of 2006. Dawwwwwwwgs 30 Crocks 28

Ohio State at Penn State: The Nuts from Ohio haven't lost a regular season game since 2005. To the Fightin JoPas. Yep, in this season of upsets, the Nuts travel to Lionville for a primetime match-up with the Nittney Lions. Both teams are offensive on the offensive side of the ball, ranking far below what you'd expect. Expect to see some defense, and smell some of the good stuff. The Nuttrain comes off the track, putting the "BS" back into BCS. Lions 13 Nuts 10

Alabama at Idle: After a smack down of Pumpkin proportions, the Pachyderms head into a crucial showdown with Idle and some textbooks. Pachyderms should handle this one with ease. Elephants 17 Idle 0

Nebraska at Texas: The Callahan farewell tour visits Austin this weekend. I wonder if they will give him one of those jerseys like the president gets. You know, something with Texas and "1" on the front, with "Callahan, we'll miss you" on the back.  The Cornholios are in a free-fall, and that's no time to go toe-to-toe with a bull. Hook 'ems 31 Corn Shucks 10

Mississippi State at Kentucky: Sly's boys are tired, especially after playing like they were wearin skirts at West Virginia last week. The Mildcats got Tebowed, and that ain't good. Hurts you know where. Still, the boys from Bourbon country are fightin for a major bowl berth, while State is just trying to make it to Christmas. I think Sly will be asking Santa for an offensive line. And maybe a defense too. Big Blue 30 State 13

USC at Oregon: Trojan Man heads to Eugene to face a wild bunch of Ducks. The Quack Attack may wear uglier-than-your-aunt-Sylvia style uniforms, but they can flat out move the ball. The rushed for more than 900 yards last week. Ok, that's exagerratin, but not by much. Trojan Man has shown some definite chinks in the armor in 2007. They need more protection than a Trojan can give 'em. Quacks 42 Trojans 41

Ole Miss at Auburn: The Gambler and his bunch lost a heart breaker in Baton Rouge last Saturday night. If only Les Miles had been 1 second dumber, the War Eagles would be sitting pretty nice on a November run for Atlanta. The Johnny Rebs of old times have come back with a flurry, losing game after game. If you want to get well in the SEC, this is your medicine. The Gambler may be thinking about a job in College Station or Fayetteville, but his boys are thinking about Ole Miss. Tigers 42 Rebs 3

South Carolina at Tennessee: Something happened heading towards the Game of the Century for War Chicken Fans: Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt? The doormats upstaged the Head Cockadoodle's bunch last week with a strong defensive effort. The same can't be said for the Pumpkin, as the Davy Crockets just got scorched by a herd of pachyderms last week. Neither team has much of an offense. This favors the home team this week. Crockets 19 War Chickens 17

Extra point: Phillip Fulmer vs Tennessee Board of Trustees. The Davy Crockets haven't been a playa on the national scene in ten years, and now all that carma is coming back to haunt Fulmer. The Vols gave up more than 100 to 'Bama and Florida. It's late in the fourth quarter, and the Trustees are up by 10.

Florida International at Arkansas: The Nuttmeister gets some relief in his farewell tour in Fayetteville. Piggies 70 FIU 0

Two point conversion, good: Houston Nutt vs Arkansas Board of Trustees.The Nuttmeister didn't just get dropped in the cooker - he's been simmerin since January. After losses to Auburn, 'Bama, and Kentucky, put a fork in him. Text Message reads, "Game Over, with love, Pig Trustees." Trustees 31 Nutt 0

Miami (OH) at Vanderbilt: Can the Doormats handle success? After knocking off their highest rank opponent in 70 years, the Doors come home to face Miami. Of Ohio. Who sucks. Worse than Vandy. The doors are actually playing themselves right into a winning season and bowl game - something we haven't heard since the Ice Age. Doormats 19 Hawkdudes 10

Boston College at Virginia Tech: The Boston Catholics have jumped all the way to #2 or 3 or something in most polls. It's good to be a Bostonite these days. All their teams win. Unfortunately, the Bostons have to travel to Blacksburg for a meetin with some ferocious Gobblers - they always get that way this time of year right before the ax falls. The Gobblers have quietly had a nice season after gettin thumped in Cajun Country. BC, oh how we enjoyed thee at the top of the polls. Gobblers 23 Catholics 16

Minnesota at Michigan: Both of these programs have lost to Division II schools this year. One of them is headed towards the Rose Bowl. The other one is headed to Canada. Can you guess which one? Thought so. Wolves 38 Ugly Uniforms 6

Week 8 Fearless Prognostications

This season is more topsey-turvey than folks at a family gatherin lookin for dates. Kentucky joined the list of Goliath killers last week, knockin off that musty bunch from Cajun Country. For the second week in a row, I couldn't pick my own nose, goin 7-5. Not good. Not good at all. The yearly totals are 68-27-1. For our friends in Clinton, South Carolina, don't forget to catch us on Sportsradio 1410 on Thursday morning in the "Doghouse" at 7:30 am. On to this week's most fearless prognostications, makin the debut in radio with style points....

Central Michigan at Clemson: The Chippawahatevers invade Death Valley for some fun on Saturday afternoon. If you call getting your head handed to you on a platter as fun. Bowden's Boys are on their annual October run to save his job. After getting blasted by the Goblers a couple of weeks ago, he may need all the help he can get. Could be worse, he could be Callahan or Francione. Tigers 98 Chipanddales 0

South Florida at Rutgers: I want to make fun of the Bulls so much it hurts. Their uniforms are ugly. There, I said it. But there's no history here. No cheating to make fun of (yet). No bourbon stills. Nothing. And yet, they could play for the title. The Knight dude's can't believe this isn't their story. Somebody find the slipper, cause the clock will strike midnight for the Bulls in Jersey this weekend. Scarlet Rs 27 Bullsheisters 21

N.C. State at East Carolina: The Wolf Pack and Pirates get together for a little trip out to sea this weekend. Seriously, that's where they should play this game. Neither team seems to have the ability to score. Or play defense. Those Wolfpackers should sure miss the Red Shoes of Amato now. Pirates, in a close one. East Carolina 3 Packers 2

Army at Georgia Tech: It's homecoming in Atlanta, where the Military invades Beeville in hopes of a victory. The Bees have finally made the right choice at running back, and their season took a nice upward spike in a win last week at Miami. The Donkies from the northeast aren't very good, and the Wreck are beginning to come around. Take Tech, and where one of those little ties for homecoming. Bees 52 Army 3

Tennessee at Alabama: The Davy Crockets invade Crimson Country on a bit of a roll, having blistered Bulldogs two weeks in a row. Maybe just enough to save the Great Pumpkin's job. The Pachyderms got some help from instant replay last week to hold on against the rebels. Somebody should get instant replay on that defense, cause it ain't good. In fact, neither defense is very good. So eat some breakfast for this morning kickoff, and don't forget the good stuff - cause the 100,000 red necks from two states sure won't. Elephants 35 Crockets 31

Auburn at LSU: When these two got together in '87, it caused such a rumble at Tiger Stadium that the Richter scale measured a quake. The Gambler's Boys saved themselves with some late heroics last week in Arkansas, while the Cajuns let one sip away. Yeah, I said sip. The Head Cajun ran out of luck, and suddenly winning the SEC West is in doubt. There are definitely too many Tigers here, but take the one's dressed for Mardi Gras. And Enjoy the party before, during, and after the game. Cajuns 13 Tubbies 12

Florida at Kentucky: These aren't your daddie's Wildcats. Hell, they ain't even your grand daddies. Not since the Bear roamed the sideline have the stakes been so high in Lexington. They pulled out all the stops last week - so much so half the campus was arrested after the game for disorderly conduct. The Crocs are slowly easing their way back into a major bowl birth, but this may put a stop to that. The Bourbon will be flowin, as will the folks in blue. Cats 24 Crocs 14

Vanderbilt at South Carolina: The Smart dudes invade Chicken country for a little bar-b-q this weekend. Onnly they should take a quick look about themselves, cause their own behinds will be what's in the smoker. The Evil Genius has the War Chickens in the thick of the national title picture with a rookie QB from Tuscaloosa. No way Vanderbilt wins this, unless a game of chess breaks out in Columbia. War Chickens 42 Doormats 14

Arkansas at Ole Miss: The game could literally decide who finishes last in the SEC West. The Nuttmeister is in serious trouble. How do I know? I got a text message that said, "Prognosticator, I'm in deep do-do." Yeah, well, no crap. The Rebs are still sulking about their loss last week to the Pachyderms, actually lodging complaints about what Saban said in his press conference about unreuly fan behavior. Sticks and Stones. Sticks and Stones. And the Rebs have no defense. Piggies 30 Rebs 10

Mississippi State at West Virginia: Somehow, the dawgs managed to beat the Fightin Tubervilles. Unfortunately, they are making a little weekend getaway to West Virginia. Let's see, Mississippi people mingle with West Virginia people. Let's hope nobody marries. Rodriquez and his boys are the better team, and they will take it out on an SEC opponent this weekend. And when I say "it," I mean the good stuff. Smells like fuel. Mountain Men 45 Slys 10

USC at  Notre Dame: The Trojans can't decide who to play at QB. Guess what, with that offensive line- coupled with that horrid Irish defense - your mother could start this weekend for USC and it not really matter. Much. We'd all like to relive that classic from two years ago, but don't expect it. Trojan Mans 35 Irish Dudes 9

Michigan State at Ohio State: The Spartinis and Nuts are having a little party on Saturday. The theme is "which week will the Buckets blow it?" Every time a team ascends, they take a fall. The Nuts are truly set-up, with an above average Green bunch invating Columbus. Let's take a Spartini - shaken, not stirred. Sparticus 19 Buckets 18

Week 7 Fearless Prognostications

Well, well, well. Last week was certainly interestin. We all had Standford covering 41 points, right? Come on, we all knew they had a shot. If the shot was related to the good stuff. This Fearless Prognosticator won the you-can't-pick-your-own-nose award last week, going 9-6. That brings our yearly fearless total to 61-22-1. Ok, no scratchin the brain through the nasal cavity this week. On to this week's most Fearless Prognostications....

Oklahoma at Missouri: This could be the game of the year in the Big Twelve. The Sooners got off the schneid and beat the Hornless last week, while the Tigers took a corn cobb and gently handed it to Nebraska. In that way no one would like. This might be the best Missouri team since before any of us were born. Tigers 41 Sooners 38

Georgia Tech at Miami: It's Bees n Canes in South Florida on Saturday. Sounds like a bowl of cereal. And the game matters by about that much in the ACC. Tech has been flatter than a pancake for a month, and Miami got beat by the North Carolina Billygoats last weekend. So much for polishin up before the big game. The Canes are not good. Unfortunately, the Bees have lost their stingers though. Somebody get rid of that old truck, Tech needs somethin else. Canes 9 Bees 6

Boston College at Notre Dame: Suddenly this game has more meanin than a lime in your beverage. The Boston Catholics can sniff a shot - so to speak - at the national championship. While the Fighten Catholics from South Bend had their own version of LA Story last week when they knocked off UCLA at the same time USC was gettin beat by the Trees. Somebody's decided to dig up the Gipper this week, but I'm not thinkin that's enough to stir the echos. Bauustin 28 Irish 10

LSU at Kentucky: How insecure are Cajun fans and coach Les Miles? They clearly have one of the best coaches in the land, but they still can't go a whole telecast without talking about Nick Saban. Miles seems to be coachin as if he'll be somewhere else next year. Makes it easy to keep goin for it on fourth down. This is not your mildcat team of old. The Cats keep it close for three quarters, then run out of gas. Take Lester, and some of the good stuff. Cajuns 31 Cats 13

Tennessee at Mississippi State: Pumpkinmania is in full force in Knoxville with the Crockets' improbable knob-heal-boot-stompin of Georgia last weekend. Looks like Fulmer could save his job after all. But funny things happen with college kids - they think they're invincible, and Sly has his boys playin at a little higher level than perception. Upset special of the week, with some private label stuff thrown in. Sly's Boys 23 Crockets 22

South Carolina at North Carolina: It's ol Butch Davis vs the Evil Genius. Wait, is this Florida vs Miami? Hardly, but Spurrier is still beatin Georgia and Davis' new team beat his old team last weekend. With the big win by the Cajuns last weekend, the evil genius woke up on Sunday and realized his War Chickens can win the SEC East. The War Chickens can win the SEC east. Holy Schneike. In Chapel Hill, they're a bit more interested in round balls than pigskins. Take the Chickens. And don't forget some of the good stuff. War Chickens 35 BillyGoats 20

Alabama at Ole Miss: The Pachyderms limp into Oxford having barely avoided a major meltdown against Houston last week. We're not talking the Texans, we're talking Cougars, and pretty bad football. The Rebs warmed up for 'Bama by shutting out a powerful LaTech team. The last two years in this series have gone down to the wire. Expect nothing different this go round. Saban's boys look pretty vulnerable, but give it to the elephants by a tusk. Pachyderms 16 Rebs 14

Georgia at Vandy: The Bull Puppies went to Knoxville last weekend and got handed a musket by the Davy Crockets - in a very uncomfortable place if you know what I mean. And you do. Meanwhile, this is the 25th anniversary of the last time Vandy had a winning season. Said another way, this is the 25th year in a row where Vandy fans think "this could be their year."  After beatin the Pachyderms, the Dawgs have seemed downright human. Take the Dawgs, and enjoy the Music City. With a Fifth. Dawgs 35 Ships 17

Auburn at Arkansas: The Riverboat Gambler followed up the victory in the swamp with a blisterin of Vanderbilt. Ever since that early season slumber, the War Eagles have been on a bit of a tear. Meanwhile, the soap opera that is War Piggie football continues. This is almost as good as "Who shot J.R.?"  Come on, now I know you can hear that tune in your head. The War Piggie season is on the line, which means the Nuttmeister might stop text messaging long enough to coach in this one. Otherwise, he could be creatin the vacancy that Tubby will move into next year. Gimme some eggs, but hold the bacon. Piggies 20 Tigers 19

Texas at Iowa State: I was gonna write about this game when it occurred to me that nothin here is very funny, and I'm flat not interested. Texas has laid eggs two weeks in a row. And the tornadoes kinda suck. Something has to give. Like your stomach after you eat some of Uncle Bert's Chili. Hornless 28 Tornadoes 10

Arizona at USC: The bad news for Trojan Man fans is that the 35 game home streak is over. The bad news for Ariziona fans is that they are about to be the beginning of the next streak. In a big way. Trojans 52 Cats 3

Wisconsin at Penn State: The dairy farmers finally ran out of glasses to pour their milk last week in Champaign. I mean, how could those Wisconsin boys know that Illinois was now a good team? They know now. And the badgers have been wearin some good luck charm all year, at least until last week. JoPa's turning 105 this week, but still seems to have some flutter in his tank. Take the Lions, and don't spike your milk. JoPas 31 Wiscauuusin 27

Week 6 Fearless Prognostications

Last week this fearless prognosticator wasn't so fearless. But truly, who was? Seems like the whole flippen Top 10 got beat. Who the heck are the South Florida Bulls? Their jerseys are ugly. And so are their helmets. Anyway, Mr. Fearless went an astounding 10-5 straight up without the water, bringing us to 52-16-1 on this not so young season. Seems like if you just pulled for strange colored uniforms, you probably do alright in this environment. On to this week's most Fearless, Prognostications....

Wisconsin at Illinois: The Boys from Dairy Country keep slippin past opponents - so much so that they have slipped right into the national championship race. Don't tell that to the Zooker. He's recruited an SEC caliber team to Champaign, and now the rest of the Big 11 are paying the price. Or they'll soon be trying to figure out exactly what price gets you to Champaign. You get the drift. The Cheez Whiz should win this game. And they would on paper. But they don't play this game on paper, they play it between the ears of college kids. The Zooknest monster took out JoPa last week, and this week it does the same to Wiscaaaansin. Illini 13 Dairy Boys 9

Virginia Tech at Clemson: The traditional Climson-we're kinda-good-so-let's let-down-our-fans got started a bit early this year. usually doesn't start till mid-October, but it got off to an early start in Atlanta last weekend. To many frosted Oranges I guess. They get another crack at a team with "Tech" in the name this week. The Fightin Gobblers have slowly been gettin off the schneid since their hind-ends got wrapped in a gift box and mailed back to Blacksburg by LSU. Climsun is better than last week. And they're better than the gobblers. Tigers 24 Gobblers 17

Houston at Alabama: Houston, we have a problem. The Pachyderms have gotten their nose bloodied two consecutive weeks, and the natives are gettin a little restless in Bear Country if you know what I mean. And you do. The Cougars come to T-town where they will be treated with all kinds of hospitality. It's homecoming, which means there will be ceremonies, women competin for courts and such, bar-b-q everywhere, and a grillin on the field. 'Bama fans get to relax this week. Elephants 63 Spaceships 3

Stanford at USC: After a tough game last week in Seattle, Trojan Mans are off this week. It will be a bit of an intrasquad scrimmage. SC will play some QB not named Booty. Something like, "Hey, anybody in the student section want to suit up?" Oh yeah, the Fightin Trees from Stanford will be there. Don't forget the saws. And ice cold beverages with just a hint of the good stuff. Trojans 52 Trees 0

Florida at LSU: A strange thing happened on the way to another Croc national championship. Yep, those pesky Tigers by Tubby,  who darn right seem to have the Crocodile number: Something like 1-800-we-beat-you-agin-in-the-swamp. Meanwhile, Les Miles has a little something brewing of his own: a QB controversy and a pending job interview in Ann Arbor. The Cajuns do have a defense, which includes waterboys as big as the Tebownator. Should be close. Enjoy the party. And a fifth. Cajuns 12 Crocs 10

Vanderbilt at Auburn: just about the best thing in the world happened for the Doormats last week as Auburn piled high and deep to knock off the Crocs. just about the worst thing in the world happened for the Doormats last week as Auburn piled high and deep to knock off the Crocs. Poor ol Bobby Johnson probably had this one circled on his calendar. "Dear Diary, bring my the signature victory. Please." Auburn is not good. And neither are the Sinkin Ships. If this were only a spelling bee is what the Vandy Chancellor is thinkin. Take Auburn, and a flask. Tubbys 30 Ships 10

Oklahoma vs. Texas: Hmm, I wonder if these two were lookin ahead last week to the Red River Shootout. Looks like it, cause instead of six-shooters we're gettin cap guns this week. In a game that suddenly matters less to most of the nation, the Horns and Connestoga Wagons get together for their annual shoot-em-up. The Horns look like Betsy, and the Sooners flat out got outplayed by that bunch from Boulder. Texas has a problem: special teams are so special they don't have any. Take some Sooners, and treat yourself to somethin really nice at a Dallas Beverage Store. Sooners 31 Hornless 20

UAB at Mississippi State: The Birmingham Blazers invade Starkvegas for something not so civilized. What the heck is a Blazer anyway? A Fireball? Dragon? I dunno. But I do know this: Sly's pups got off to a pretty decent start, and after this week's firestorm with UAB, the Dawgies play Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky, and Alabama. Yikes. I'd be worried they're lookin ahead, but what on earth would they be doin that for. UAB held Florida State in check, and I'm thinkin this game will be a little too close for comfort for Croom. Southern Comfort, that is. Give the edge to Maroon, but barely. Dawgies 23 Blazer Dragons 21

Georgia at Tennessee: Richts Boys have played themselves right back into the SEC East. Not only have they been a winnin, but their arch enemies in Gainesville have been a losin. Last weekend was the very definition of a perfect weekend for Athenites. Meanwhile, the heat is crankin up a notch in Knoxville. If Pumpkin Boy isn't careful, he'll be carved up by Halloween. The Davy Crockets rank - and I mean very rank- last in the SEC in points allowed per game. That's not good. And frankly, I'd rather have the Pumpkin Spiced Latte than a carved up Pumpkin Boy anyway. Lookin more and more like UT vs Vandy could decide which team gets the top draft choice next year. Firefulmer.com traffic is spikin. Dawgies 30 Crockets 20

UTC at Arkansas: The Mocs have not much of a shot in this one, unless you count what the fans will be doin in the stands. Boss Hog could spend the whole night text messaging his colleagues to see where he might find a job next year, and the Piglets would still win this one. Hawgies 63 Mocs 6

Georgia Tech at Maryland: It's Bees and Turtles in a game that will kick-off before most people on the West Coast even get out of bed. Gotta love those Eggs and Bacon kickoffs. Me, I like 'em with a hint of the good stuff. I'm guessin folks are crankin up the grills around 8:00 am. The Bees are like Jeckle and Hyde - one week they stinch, the next week they are knockin off Climsun. The Turtles upset Rutgers last week. Seems weird to even write "upset" in that sentunce. The Bees have a choice. And this week he's playin running back. Time for some Turtle Soup with the eggs. Bees 28 Turtles 20

Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss: It's a pretty typical year for the Rebs. They scare the bejesus out of teams they have no business beating, and beat most of the teams they have no business playin. After scaring the Crocs and exposing them for Tubby, the Rebs went to Athens and got their rifles handed to 'em in places that aren't comfortable. After this week, they got 'Bama, Auburn, and Arkansas. That's recipe for a drinkin problem. The Fighten Techsters, well, they stinch just as bad, coming in at 1-3. These teams are a combined 2-7 - if this game's on your cable channel, switch to satellite. Ole Miss 6 Tech 5

Kentucky at South Carolina: Can anybody believe both of these teams are in the top 25, and fighting for a birth in the SEC Championship? I would have bet my pop's "medicine" still that this could never happen. The Mildcats are suddenly not the Mildcats, and the War Chickens are finally playing with the intensity that you expect from Evil Genius teams. The Chickens have a nice defense, but they haven't seen a quarterback like this all year. The Blue Kittens have the best QB in the SEC, and no defense. Should be down right entertainin. Take some of the good stuff, but pace yourselves, cause this game is Thursday night. Cats 42 Chickens 28

Ohio State at Purdue: The Nuts invade West Lafayette for a battle with some fairly ferocious trains. Ok, "ferocious." The fact of the matter is both these teams are 5-0 because they have spent more time at Krispy Creme than the local sheriff. I mean, look at their schedules. Creampuff City. If you play more directional schools than there are directions, no wonder you're undefeated. The problem for Tiller's bunch is that the Nuts have, well, nuts. These guys are not Eastern Ohio School for the Needy. It will be excitin early, but don't forget the remote. Buckeyes 31 Boilers 10

Notre Dame at UCLA: The Fighten Catholics really should be spendin more time in Mass. Last week they improved and only got waxed by two touchdowns. The Bruins are playing with some intensity, and it only takes a little of that these days to flatten Notre Dame. Who knew this was the year to schedule the Irish for homecoming. Navy is starting to get excited. Bruins 40 Irish 13

Week 5 Fearless Prognostications

This Fearless Prognosticator was less than spectacular last week. I wish I had been sippin on some of the good stuff, cause the results sure look like I was. The week's record was 9-5, bringin us to 42-11-1. Even with the off-week, you could still do pretty good with these results over the season. So sit back, enjoy the fall foliage, and crack open a cold one. On to this week's most Fearless Prognostications.

Michigan State at Wisconsin: Sparticus invades cheese country for some afternoon fun featuring more than a few polish dogs. The Cheese Whiz keep slippen past average opponents like OJ in Vegas, but one of these weekends the gig is gonna be up. The Spartins are off to a 4-0 start, but Madison is no place for women and children. It's a coin flip. Ok, both sides have the same symbol - a Spartini. Kinda like a Martini, which is what a few folks will be sippen on before kick-off. State 24 Cheese Whiz 21

Alabama vs Florida State: The Pachyderms limp into this mid-season bowl game in Jacksonville on the heels of two emotionally draining contests. While the Indians from Tallahassee come in with an off-week. Kinda like a few SEC teams. Interesting, Papa Bowden was almost the coach at Bama before Bill Curry landed that job. Can you imagine how different these programs might be today? Bowden is older than Moses but pretty unlikely to part the Red Tide. Saban has the Elephants playing a little better than they are. Close, 'but take Bama and a fifth. Of bourbon. Pachyderms 21 Kings of Wide Right 17

California at Oregon: Defense will be pretty scant with these Pac-10 juggernauts going at it in Corvalis. The Golden Bears invade Quackville looking to get a leg up on finishing second to USC in the conference. The Ducks will Dazzle you with some strange uniform color combination, but this is not exactly a Gucci fashion show. Take something Golden, and don't forget the blender. Golden Nicholas' 92 Ducks 90

Notre Dame at Purdue: You know, this could say Notre Dame vs anybody at this point. The Irish are pretty much stink. After getting through the cream puff portion of their schedule, they now play the Trains to get warmed up for teams like USC and UCLA. The green dudes from South Bend could be one of the worst teams in Division I. The Boiling Trains get this one at home. It's gonna feel like homecoming in West Lafayette. Trains 42 Irish 10

Clemson at Georgia Tech: We have a Bowden. Well, they are everywhere, so this isn't a shock. And we have some Bees. They looked like they actually had stingers when the season opened, but now we know that win was about as opaque as Vick slippen something through airport in his water bottle. Climsun is on the edge of something special, and hardly anybody is talkin about it. The Bees are on the edge of needing more than a glass of tea to wash down the Varsity dogs. The Tech looks like a wreck, and the Tigers look better than usual. Beautiful day at grant field. Take your sun glasses, and pace yourselves on the good stuff as it's gonna be warm. Climsun 30 Bees 28

West Virginia at South Florida: It's so shockin that this is actually a battle between top 25 teams that this Fearless Prognosticator hardly knows what to say. To paraphrase a famous line, if I woke up in the morning with my eyelids sewn to my lips, I wouldn't be any more surprised than I am that this game actually matters. Well, matters is a strong word. It's the Big Least, where Syracuse just shafted the conference by drop-kicking Louisville. The Bulls are good, but they don't have Michael Jordan. Take West Virginia, as they have more speed than Road Runner. The Bulls, well, they might be the Coyote. So close, right until he runs over the Canyon. Mountain Men 52 Bulls 30

LSU at Tulane: The Rajun Cajuns take their martigras coloured uniforms for what they hope is just a pre-championship warm-up in New Orleans. The Gumbys haven't beaten a ranked team since knockin off the ranked Bayou Tigers in 1982. I know what your thinking.... if Syracuse can do it, anybody can. But lay off the brown stuff, and get some of the cajun cookin. Tiger 63 Gumbys 0

Mississippi State at South Carolina: Ol Sly has his puppies playin way above their heads...and so does the Head Cockadoodle at South Carolina. This game actually has major bowl implications, and we're not talkin toilets. The War Chickens have made a change at QB, while the Puppies have simply starting winning more than they lose. Take the head cockadoodle, and don't forget the franks and beans. And good stuff. War Chickens 28 Pups 14

Ole Miss at Georgia: Johnny Reb had a close one last week against the Crocs - the problem is close only counts in Horse shoes, hand grenades, and bourbon to the nose. The Dawgies went into Tuscaloosa and stole one from the Pachyderms. Both teams left it on the field last week. Of course the Dawgs also got pelted with some of it before getting out of Tuscaloosa. Said one Georgia student, "they should at least finish the fifth before hurling it towards the field." So true. Take the Dawgs, and don't turn in Uncle JimBob for runnin the still. Dawgs 19 Rebs 9

Florida Atlantic at Kentucky: The Mildcats and Pachyderms have shared two coaches in their history - Bear Bryant and Bill Curry. Very rarely since Bear bolted for Texas A&M have the Cats looked so good. They have some QB that might want to sign up for round ball at Rupp. The Owls of Florida Atlantic have a team? Yeah, they beat Minnesota. Which team shows up for UK - Bear-like or Curry-like? Leave the curry off the owl, and it tastes like chicken. Kittens 48 Owls 20

North Texas at Arkansas: The Nuttmeister could be in trouble. Losing to 'Bama on the road is one thing, but losing to Kentucky at home with two 100 yard rushers in the game is a whole nutha matter. The alumoids already don't like the Nutt. I'm guessing he gets more than a few text messages a day that tell him to go to ... somewhere else. Warm. North Texas is green. And they are not good. Nutt takes it out on 'em. Piglets 52 Greens 10

Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt: The ship captains look to get well against one of those directional schools. The fighting EMUs have as much chance of winning this game as you do of actually watching it. Take a bucket of KFC and one of those little TVs to watch the good games. Doormats 27 EMU 9

Auburn at Florida: The struggling Tiggers have lost home games against South Florida and Mississippi State. Does anybody smell jet fuel? Who knows whether it's Auburn interviewing coaches or Tubbymesiter looking to make the move to Little Rock. After that huge win over New Mexico State, Auburn has a chance. Not. The Crocs are better than advertised. They have a linebacker playing QB, and are just getting warmed up for LSU. They are going to spend more time in the Auburn backfield than ants on table scraps at a family gatherin. Crocs 38 War Eagles 3

Penn State at Illinois: The Nittany Kittens were exposed last week in Ann Arbor. They may have nine lives, but they used most of it up against Michigan. Something weird going on in the Universe. Zooker leaves Florida, and they have more talent than a deity in Gainesville. He shows up in Loserville, and suddenly Champaign is flowin. They are winning star recruit after star recruit. Reckin Zooker took some of the "Southern Recruiting Ways" to Illinois? Rumor has it the NCAA is planning an office for the area, cause it's sure not needed anywhere near South Bend. Fightin Indians 16 Lions 15

USC at Washington: The good news for Willingham is that he' not at Notre Dame. Even though he is somehow getting blamed for their crummy season without getting any credit for their past success. The Huskie dogs have infinitely more wins than the Irish. Of course the bad news is that the Men of Troy are coming to town, and seemingly getting better every week. Washington is better, but not nearly good enough. Maybe they hang for a half. Trojan Mans 45 Doggies 10

Week 4 Fearless Prognostications

Last week this Fearless Prognosticator went 10-3, bringing the total season to 33-6-1. You know, that ain't have bad. I've even gotten a few emails from folks using the picks for "entertainment purposes" only. You know who you are. And you owe me a beer or three. On to this week's most Fearless Prognostications.

Iowa at Wisconsin: Hawks and Cheese Dudes get together for tea and crumpets Saturday afternoon in Madison. The Cheese Men barely escaped Vegas last week - you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. The Farm Boys from Hawkeye town lost to Iowa State last week. Nuff said. Wiscaaaaaasin 23 Hawks 13

New Mexico State at Auburn: The Gambler is feeling more heat than a rabbit in stew. His Tigers got handled by the boys of Starkvegas last week, just a week after losing to some upstarts from Tampa. Auburn was worried about becoming the second best team in the state, but this fearless prognosticator wouldn't pick 'em against Troy at this juncture. The fightten Aggies - that's a pack of cowboys to you and me - are gunning for an upset at Jordan Hare. Said Brandon Cox, the starting QB, then backup QB, now starting QB, "I didn't know Mexico had a college football team." Yikes. Take the Cowboys, and plenty of Bourbon if you're a Tigers fan. Lobos 27 Tigggers 26

Georgia Tech at Virginia: It's the Bees and Cavaliers. Tech was a little too hospitable last Saturday night in their loss to those boys form Boston. It seems they were believing their press clippins a little too much. The Boys of Jeffersonville have huge wins over Duke and North Carolina, and  a loss to Division I power Wyomin. The Bees don't suck, but now they know they need to actually show up to win football games. Take Tech, and a fifth of the good stuff. Bees 24 Cavs 21

Georgia at Alabama: The Pachyderms are flying high after their fourth quarter heroics last Saturday night in Tuscaloosa. Despite a defensive collapse in the fourth quarter, Saban rallied the troops to the program's first come-from-behind victory in the fourth quarter in six years. The Bullpuppies are still smarting from the loss to the Evil Genius; Richt is so paranoid he closed practice this week. The Puppies have talent, but they don't have two backs like the Piggies and certainly don't have the mojo going on in T-town. Get ready for 92,000 rednecks, all wearing some shade of red, and all in some state of - shall we say - happiness by game time. Elephants 31 Dawgies 27

Texas A&M at Miami: The Aggies somehow managed to pull their butts right out of the fire last week against some dudes from the left coast. Of course, it wasn't the team whose tail end was about to be engulfed in flames, it was their multi-million dollar coach. This game would be great if the Canes had a good team. They looked like Notre Dame at Oklahoma last week. That's not good. At all. And now the Military dudes have some life. Aggies 30 Canes 14

South Carolina at LSU: The Evil Genius said the War Chickens were ready to compete for a title. Well, this week he gets a chance to make a statement. Some AP voter has these guys #4 on his ballot. I wonder what he is sippin on when he fills that thing out at 4am? I want some of that. Anyway, the Cajuns are good. Not kinda good. But kick you in the groin and make you feel good about it good. Les Miles has submitted his application for the Michigan job, but he doesn't need to submit any applications for victory this week. It's tough, but done. Cajuns 27 War Chickens 17

Michigan State at Notre Dame: Will the Fighting Catholics even win a game this year? That question isn't being posed by the Big Boy on the sidelines, or the Big Man in the Sky. it's getting asked by the head honcho at NBC who is stuck televising these guys. Appalachian State has just submitted a proposal to have their games picked up instead, saying, "not only did we score at Michigan, we won at Michigan." The Spartinators are quietly putting together a nice season. They could not show up and win this game. Sparticus 30 Irish 0

Florida at Ole Miss: It's Team Tebow. Tebomania. Tebonator. The Tebow Man. If this Tebow thing gets any more out of hand, his head ain't gonna fit in a standard size cap if you know what I mean - and you do. The Crocs are gettin lots of press over beatin the snot out of an awful Davy Crocket team last week. The Rebs, well, they are the Rebs. Grove or no grove, they lost to Vandy last week. Were they looking ahead? No, they just aren't good. Probably worse than Mississippi State. Crocs 70 Johnny Rebs 10

Penn State at Michigan: The Kittens from Pennsylvania have now made it through the gauntlet of their early patsy schedule - Florida somewhere, Notre Dame, and Buffalo. The Wolverines finally got off the schneid and whipped somebody last week - but at this point, kickin the crap out of Notre Dame isn't a fad, it's the fancy. JoPa is 800 years old, and can hardly see the field. Good thing his QB can. Take some Lions, and enjoy a crisp, fall, afternoon in the Nuthouse. Lions 21 Wolverines 17

Kentucky at Arkansas: It's the Mildcats at Piggies. Normally, not much to stir about. But the Cats have won eight of their last nine games and vaulted into the top 25 for the first time since Reagan was president. You know, that was a long time ago now. The Piggies lost a heart breaker in Tuscaloosa last week. Might not have even been a contest if Arkansas has a secondary. Don't look now, but Kentucky has one of the best QBs in the Southeastern Conference. Piggies are a bit down. The Cats are in the mood for Bacon. Do some tailgatin, and take your blender. Cats 45 Pigs 43

Arkansas State at Tennessee: The Davy Crockets have lost two games, and it's not even October. Arkansas State is gonna pay the price. Crockets 52 Indians 10

Vanderbilt at Idle: Vandy is on a winning streak. And now get an extra week to prepare for Auburn. Doormats 20 Idle 17

Washington State at USC: The Cougars had just a huge win against the Idaho potatoes last week. The Men of Troy cake-walked through Lincoln. My advice to the boys from Apple country? Enjoy the sand and surf of Southern California Saturday morning, cause the Coliseum is not a potato patch. Trojans 63 Cougars 20

Rice at Texas: The Owls at Longhorns. I'm still a little confused at how a bowl of stuff done in a minute gets to play programs like Texas. Oh yeah, the paycheck. And somehow they are still in Division I. The Bullhorns scraped by Central Florida last week. Rumor is they enjoyed the scenic gulf coast a little too much. Rice could throw in the red beans & sausage and still not have enough gas to win this one. Horns 52 Rice 3

Gardner-Webb at Mississippi State: The runnin Bulldawgs take on Sly's boys in a made-for-very-late night TV game in Starkville. GW is probably looking ahead to their big game with Austin Peay next week. State isn't looking ahead to nobody, as they are still in shock they beat the Hapless Tigers last week with their second and third string QBs. Take your iPod. And some of the good stuff. State 52 Gardners 3

Week 3 Fearless Prognostications

Last week this Fearless Prognosticator went 11-2, bringing the total season to 23-3-1. Yeah, it's been pointed out this ain't against the spread. Who gives a crap. On to this week's most fearless prognostications....

USC at Nebraska:The Men of Troy invade Lincoln for a tussle betwixt traditional powers on Saturday night. Emphasis on "traditional." Southern Cal has been busy rewriting the record books, while HuskerNation is starting the Bama-like revolving door on football coaches. This game should have been scheduled in November so the boys of sunnyville might have to see snow. That's the edge this Cornfield team truly needs. Huskers struggled against Wake Forest last week. This ain't Wake. Troy 31 Huskers 10

Western Carolina at Georgia: Said Head Ball Coach after beating the Dawgies last Saturday night: "I don't know how big this win is, they've lost 5 straight in this division including losses to Vandy and Kentucky." Ouch. Salt in the wound my friend, salt in the wound. The Catamounties are playing an SEC schedule, already having been shellacked by the Pachyderms. Dawgies rebound, but there's some grumbling in Athenia. Ugaah 42 Catamounties 14

Arkansas at Alabama: Boss Hog takes his troops into T-town on some big momentum - they didn't play the week before 'Bama just like five other Tide opponents. Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, Nick Saban has literally been appointed King. After the Pachyderms trampled the hopeless Doormats last week, some in Tuscaloosa were ready to erect a stadium. Nuttmeister should probably stop text messaging and start coaching, cause this one's gonna be a fight. Pachyderms 23 Pigs 22

Boston College at Georgia Tech: The Bees are riding high, but they might should come down a stair or two. They whalloped the Fighting Catholics (who suck), then scored 69 on Samford (who sucks even worse from a lower division). This could be a true test for the Bumble Bees with the Boston Eagles in town. Still odd they are in the same conference, with Boston fightin on the other side in the Great War Betwixt the States. BC should get one of those Varsity Chili dogs before game time, cause that place will be packed with happy Bee fans afterwards. Don't forget the big orange drink. Techsters 31 Eagles 14

Mississippi State at Auburn: It's the Sly one versus the gambler. I wonder if Tubbmeister is gettin a little nervous over on the Plains. After squeaking by Kansas State, the upstart South Florida Bulls knocked off the Tigers in Jouuurden Hair. It was hairy alright. South Florida didn't have a kicker and still won. I think www.firetuberville.com could get more traffic than Toomer's corner. The boys from Starkvegas aren't very good - but neither are the Tigers. Take one of those little TVs, and take plenty of bourbon. Tiggers 28 Pups 17

Tennessee at Florida: The Great Orange Pumpkin meets Urban Legend. It's not Friday the 13th, but it might as well be. The Davy Crockets rebounded against the Hattiesburg Eagles after getting their footballs handed to them against Cal. Legend has the Crocs playing at a pretty high level. This game is in the swamp, which pretty much describes the state of Davy Crocket football these days. It'll be warm, so drink the light beer or you'll pass out by halftime. Kinda like UT. Crocs 42 Crockets 30

Louisville at Kentucky: It's the battle for a bourbon bucket or hatchet or something.  Or maybe you win a horse, I dunno. The Pappa Johns Boys gave up more than 40 points to Middle Tennessee State last week.  Not good.  This is not your Pappa's Wilcat team - they actually win games. It will be a bit chili on Saturday morning, so take a coat to hide the good stuff. Don't forget to add Coke. Mildcats 48 Pizza Boys 38 

Notre Dame at Michigan: These two teams have had this game circled on the calendar for literally days and days. Really, just since Saturday, when both realized their entire season hinges on this contest. This Prognosticator wonders if either would win another game if not playing against each other. The Wolverines are terrible, Lloyd Carr is history, and everybody knows it. Notre Dame sucks, will likely win three or four games, and still get invited to the Orange Bowl. Ok, there are rules now. The head coach playing Rutgers this week said he rather play Michigan than Rutgers. Yowsa. This is like watching a train reck - you know you shouldn't, but you'll probably watch. Wolverines 6 Catholics 2

Middle Tennessee State at LSU: Ok, Les Miles will be the next coach at Michigan. This week he can actually spend some time thinking about it, cause his 5th string will be playing by the second quarter. The Rajun Cajuns spanked the Gobblers last week until they cried mercy. The Blue Raiders have lost to Florida Atlantic and gave up more than half a hundred to the Louisville Cards. Not only that, it's a directional school. Not good in football. This ain't basketball, but they sure do give up the points. Cajuns 96 Raiders 10

Ole Miss at Vandy: It's the Rebs. It's Vandy. It's two teams who are always on the outside of the Hope-we-win-five-games bottle looking in. The bottle has brown stuff in it, and we're not talking coke or pepsi. This game could literally decide who finishes above Mississippi State and out of the SEC cellar. Take some of the good stuff, and maybe your homework too. Doormats 20 Rebs 19

South Carolina State at South Carolina: With few exceptions, if you have "State" in your name in the Southeast, you're probably the back seat driver in collegiate athletics in your "state." The biggest problem the evil genius will have is keeping everybody - fans and players alike - awake for this contest. The Bulldogs had a huge win over Bethune Cookman last week. This ain't Bethune whatever. War Chickens 63 Dogs 0

Texas at University of Central Florida: I've decided I should move to Florida and start a college football team. There must be some talent, cause UCF is just the latest on the scene. And for some reason I can't fathom, the Horns agreed to play the Knights at the dedication of their new field. UT slipped past the last couple of opponents without much to impress the eye. This is one of those games you'll find by mistake on ESPNU or 2 or something while you're channel surfing. Could be interesting. Horns 27 Knights 20

Ohio State at Washington: Oh my, how things have changed. The Buckinators take their act on the road to Huskeyville, where an ex-Notre Dame coach (quick, honk if you've coached there) who got fired cause he apparently couldn't coach has his team ranked in the top 25. The Nuts looked a littler underwhelming against the Zips last week. The Boys from the Pacific Northwest want to make a statement. Welcome to Washington. Don't forget your cafe latte - spiked with some of the good stuff. Dogs 21 Nuts 19

Week 2 Fearless Prognostications

Welcome to Week 2 of the Fearless Prognostications. This fearless prognosticator was 12-1-1 last week. Gotta claim a tie on the War Chickens since it appears I didn't even pick the score. Onwards and upwards, it's time for this week's Fearless Prognostications.

Oregon at Michigan: It’s hard to say what will be more ugly on Saturday – the uniforms of the quack attack, the fans in the stands, or the Michigan play on the field. It’s been a pretty nasty week in Ann Arbor. Everybody’s hoping Patrick Swayze will jump out of the stands and yell “Wolverines,” but that’s about as likely as a Division 1AA team beating them in the Big House. Hmm, stranger things have happened. The Ducks are pass happy like App State, but they wear uglier uniforms. Blue Boys 24 Quacks 21

South Carolina at Georgia: The War Chickens invade Athens for their annual love-in with the Bulldogs. Richt’s boys got out of the pokey in time last week to whip up on Okie Dokie, while the Cocks chicken-scratched their way to a win against one of those directional multi-name schools from Lusianana. Joe-Bob in Athens is already warming up the still in the backyard, and it’s only Thursday. The King Cock thinks the Chickens can contend, and this year. They are the War Chickens, there will be no contention. But they will scare the crap out of the Athenites. Athenians 20 War Chickens 18

Alabama at Vanderbilt: The Pachyderms got off to a fast start last week against the Catamounts, and didn’t let up until Western called mercy. It was more like a pharaoh had arrived, with thousands camped outside the stadium watching the game on the Quad. The Doormats lit up Richmond. Year after year, the Sinking Ships play ‘Bama close. Year after year, they learn close only counts in horseshoes. And bourbon. Pachyderms 37 Doorknobs 10

Samford at Georgia Tech: That’s no misprint. It’s SAMford. A little bible college in Birmingham that was once coached by somebody named Bowden. Now, they are the Bulldogs, so that might be enough to make any Techster’s hair stand right on end. But never fear, that’s probably just the pre-game drink settling in. The Bees may be a little better than we thought after sticking it to Catholic U. last week. Can Samford score? Maybe. Can they pull an Appy State? Only if your mother is playing QB for Tech. Bees 41 Bulldogs 10

South Florida at Auburn: Tubbynation almost took a dive last week as the Kansas Staters took it right too ‘em at Jordan Hare. The Plainsmen looked asleep at the wheel until late in the contest. It’s hard to tell if K State is actually decent, or if Auburn sucks. K State almost did it in week 1. South Florida does it in week 2. Bulls 24 Tiggers 20

Troy at Florida: The Trojans continue their march through the Southeastern Conference. Last week, they got hammered by the Razor Piggies, and this week they visit the Crocs in Swampville. Somebody really should talk to their AD about this scheduling. I’m guessin they’re getting some nice checks. Tebowmania is in full swing. Sounds like the fanatics in the swamp have already given him the Heisman. Easy there, big fella. This one will be over before you slip the bourbon into your coke. Crocs 63 Boys of Troy 3

Kent State at Kentucky: This is actually an intrasquad scrimmage that the Mildcats managed to get on the schedule. UK 45 KSU 0

Notre Dame at Penn State: This is actually an intrasquad scrimmage that Penn State managed to get on the schedule. The Catholics are pulling that “secret QB” business again. This prognosticator was right last week – Weis didn’t know who to start cause they all suck. JoPa is about 800 years old, and not even he has seen a Notre Blame team that looks so inept. Take State, and take a few ice cold ones. Lions 31 Catholics 17

Virginia Tech at LSU: It’s the Goblers and Cajuns Saturday night in Batonnnnnnnn Rouge. Virginia PolynotgettingdatesTech looked pretty underwhelming last week at home. The Tigers blew out their opponent – but their opponent was Mississippi State, who have lost to Div 1AA teams long before the Wolverines. And speaking of Wolverines, Les Miles was a player there. Think pulling a Saban is on his mind? You betcha. But it’s Saturday night in Baton Rouge, where 90,000 cajun red necks will have spent the whole day getting tanked up. The gobblers don’t want to be near this fryer. Cajuns 28 Gobblers 13

Missouri at Ole Miss: You gotta hand it to Rebel Nation for actually scheduling a decent non-conference opponent. But why? Ole Miss’ chance of ever playing for the whole ball of wax where schedule strength matters? Zero. Chance that you’ll see some nice co-eds and a whole lot of the brown stuff disguised as Coke? 100%. Hope they drink plenty, cause Mizzou is gonna stick it to ‘em. Tigers 20 Rebs 10

Mississippi State at Tulane: Without question, this is your game of the week. Sure to be an Instant Classic. The bulldogs are horrid. They got blown out by the Cajuns last week in Starkvegas. The Gumbys are playing at home, where there will literally be hundreds of people in the stands. And some of them might not even be students. Take one of those little TVs so you can watch some of the action around the country. Gumbys 9 Pups 7

Southern Miss at Tennessee: The Davy Crockets went out to Berkeley last week and got their rifles handed to them – and not in a pleasant way if you get my drift. And you do. The Golden Birds from Hattiesburg have been giving SEC teams fits for years. But that’s all they ever do. The Head Pumpkin is on the hot seat in Knoxville, so he’ll have the Crockets ready to play Saturday night. Crockets 31 Birds 21

Wisconsin at UNLV: Is it basketball season already? Nope, the Woodchucks are actually making the trip to Las Vegas to play some pigskin. Surprised the NCAA even lets football games get played here. If you can call this a football game. The Gamblers aren’t exactly Big 10 in size. But they are pretty fleet of foot. If the Woodchucks can stay out of the casinos, they should just wear the Gamblers out. Wiscaaaasin 17 Vegas 3

USC at Idle: Could be a tough one. Trojans take it by a field goal. USC 3 Idle 0