Fearless Prognostications

Tiny Terry returning to the sidelines. Sort of. Is Tommy next?

Tallahassee, FL (FP): In a move surely to send shock waves throughout college football, Terry Bowden will be returning to the sideline under his father Bobby Bowden at Florida State University as an "unpaid observer."

Actually, there has been a bit of controversy surrounding this rumour already. "Terry's not going to be helping with the program. Someone misunderstood," Pappa Bowden said Sunday morning at the Florida Sports Writers Association's annual gathering of the state's college football coaches. "He's not a consultant. I ain't asking him nothing."

This is actually more in line with reality, as Auburn University was truly on the forefront of this idea for Terry. They made him an unpaid observer about half way through the 1998 season. Unfortunately, ABC Sports made him a paid observer soon after, and we've had to listen to his commentary for darn near a decade. Makes me want to grab some bourbon and listen to "The Chipmunks Christmas Special." Alvin? Simon? Theodore?

Speculation has already turned to Tommy Bowden. Unnamed sources say that he will also join the Florida State staff as towel boy just as soon as Clemson makes him an "unpaid observer."

Francione to AD: Hold the rope, please

College Station, TX (FP): Texas A&M football coach Dennis Francione sees the future, and knows it isn't good.

The embattled coach comes into this season with a 25-22 record at A&M - not exactly the stuff of legends. With pit stops and TCU and Alabama, he and his wife longed for a glamorous future in College Station.

"Just hold the rope," said Francione when asked what he would tell A&M athletic director Bill Byrne on deciding his future.

Byrne, who didn't hire Fran, doesn't feel the same sort of loyalty, especially when dollars per win are so high. When Byrne was asked to comment, he was hesitant. "I guess the worst thing I could do is 'Pledge our support,"" said Byrne. "He better win some games."

A former Alabama player, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said "I think ya'll remember what happened when Coach Fran asked us to hold the rope."

A&M plays road games at Miami, Texas Tech, Nebraska, Missouri, and Oklahoma in 2007. A Texas A&M spokesman said Byrne was definitely holding a rope for Francione.

Quick Hits: Big 10 Considering Expanding

Big Corn Field, IA (FP): Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney said the Big Ten would likely consider expanding to twelve teams to accommodate the Big Ten Network, which goes live August 30. He actually said they would consider talking about expansion - I guess this is like a meeting to talk about a future meeting.

He would not comment on actually changing the name of the conference to reflect how many schools are in it. Thousands of children across the heartland are confused each fall when they hear "11 schools" and and see the "Big 10" logo.

Penn State joined the Big Ten in 1989, bringing the total number of teams in the conference to eleven. Given that Northwestern still didn't know how to play football, it was pretty common knowledge that the athletic directors still only considered there to be ten football playing members.

In Landmark deal, SEC and ACC to swap schools

Birmingham, AL & Greensboro, NC (FP): In a landmark deal, the Southeastern Conference (SEC) and Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC) have struck a deal for a play-out game among the leagues' worst football schools.

"Given the environment we face today," said SEC Commissioner Mike Slive in a prepared statement, "We can no longer allow the tiny footballs of the world to drain us financially."

When asked to clarify, Slive would only say he didn't mean Vanderbilt University solely, but all the bottom fishes of the conference such as Vandy, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, and Kentucky.

At the same time, the ACC faces its own dilema. While Miami and Florida State bring home the bacon in Football, their basketball prowess is less than legendary. Then throw in the fact that sales of Virginia Tech football jerseys have plummeted with the Vick scandal, and you have yourself a financial conundrum of sorts.

"It kinda sucks," said ACC league commish John Swofford.

Enter the play-out game. At the end of the season, the leagues' two worst football schools will square off in a display of their last game as members of the conference. Immediately after, one school heads to the ACC, and the other to the SEC.

"What were obviously worried about," said Swofford, "is one of our premiere basketball teams finishing last in football and heading to the SEC."

This appears to be a win-win for the SEC. The conference would love to swap Vanderbilt for Duke. "Clearly," said Slive, "it can't be any worse for the conference to have Duke instead of Vandy for football - they at least have a nice basketball program."

Unconfirmed reports have Alabama blowing the season intentionally in football, so they can own the ACC next year. Alabama athletic director Mal Moore would only offer "no comment" to those reports.

Houston Nutt: "I love the iPhone"

Birmingham, AL (FP): University of Arkansas head football coach Houston Nutt stopped the questions about War Piggies, wins, bowls, transfers and boosters, and instead turned SEC Media Days towards a topic closer to his own heart: the iPhone.

"When you're sending thousands of text messages, sometimes minutes before a big game, you really can get a little wiped out typing on that tiny keyboard," said Nutt. "But the iPhone has taken me to a whole nutha level."

The iPhone, sold by Apple through its stores and AT&T, activated more than 270,000 of the phones during the first two days they were on the market. An Apple spokesman didn't return calls for comment, but an AT&T source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Nutt was indeed been in line for hours to be one of the first to receive the hip, new phones. Arkansas fans and boosters are particularly thrilled with the product, given their interest in every waking minute of Nutt's day.

Said outgoing Athletic Director Frank Broyles, "Given the public's right to know, we're thinking of just sending broadcast copies of all media coming from that new gadget." Some fans are clearly apprehensive.

"What if Nutt sends video?" said one. "Yikes, that is not the Wooo Pig Sooiee I want to see."

Although Nutt sent more than 1,000 messages to a female reporter in Arkansas, he maintains that nothing was inappropriate. Another Arkansas fan backed up the coach, saying "he did not have relations with that woman." The fan added, "Did you see my wife whoop-up on Obama the other night?"

Nutt's Review:
iPhone Pro: much better keyboard, and the video thingy is awesome
iPhone Con: that thing is huge. Where am I gonna hide it on game day?

Saban Changes Mind; Will Return Home

Birmingham, AL (FP) – Effectively immediately, Alabama football coach Nick Saban is leaving the University of Alabama.

“I just felt like, given the circumstances, it was only best that I return where I started – The University of Toledo Rockets.” The Rockets are expecting a fine season. Although they are picked by most experts to finish no higher than third in the MAC, Toledo Athletic Director Mike O’Brien was moved to tears when he spoke of Saban taking over the reigns of Rocket football.

“Mamma called,” was all O’Brien could say. Rumors have season ticket sales now exceeding 5,000 with the news. The outgoing football coach at Toledo will stay on as water boy.

“I can’t even remember what ‘MAC’ stands for,” said Saban, “but I believe with enough guts and determination, we can stay out of the cellar.”

Alabama athletics director Mal Moore has scheduled an 8:00 am CST news conference on Friday, July 27, 2007, to address media inquiries.

“We know you guys will feel slighted again,” said Moore. “We will have sports psychologists and bourbon on hand to help you deal with the pain of Coach Saban not telling you his plans for the future.” 

The biggest grin in the room came from Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville. “You don’t know what a pain it has been to deal with the Saban media questions,” said Tubby. “We have a winning record against the guy for crying out loud.”

The University is expected to immediately set its sights on the only coach available with a history of coming right into fall practice. Unconfirmed reports had the personal jet of a certain steakhouse owner in Tuscaloosa this afternoon.

Fearless Releases SEC 2007 Schedule

Today Fearless Prognostications (www.fearlessfootball.com) releases its 2007 SEC Football Schedule. A little one-sheeter, if you will, of all twelve schools. Games so far scheduled for the tube are also noted. Now go back to that Mint Julep, and enjoy! Download SEC_Schedule_2007.pdf

Let's Gaze into the future....

Well boys and girls, it's that time of year. The asphalt is so hot you could fry an egg on the sucker, and the College Football Preseason publications have hit the newstands. This prognosticator takes all these things with a grain - nay, I say truckload - of salt. Athlon Sports has Rutgers ranked #10 - not in the Big Least, but in America. Oh my, gonna need more than a sip of bourbon to believe that one.

Speaking of bourbon, perhaps it's time for the Fearless Prognosticatons to drop their own bomb on the upcoming season. So hide the still, kick back, and enjoy the ruckas.

#1: ok, before we get to #1. Did anybody hear the geniuses at the NCAA decided to rename the football divisions? That's right, the same organization that's spent umpteen years now investigating Reggie Bush has decided that Div 1A teams will now be called FBS teams. Yes, that's "Football Bowl Subdivision" teams. F'BS' alright.  Seriously, they must not have anything to do over there.

#1: Tennusee - The Davy Crockets enter the season on the brink of total obscurity, having not won an SEC title since 1998. And if they're not careful, they may end up with more players in the pokey than wins on the field. How long until we see FireFulmer.com?

#2: That Rodriguez fella at West Virginie may very wish he'd taken off for Tuscaloosa. While some wins may be there, national championships won't be. When your team bio reads "and one of their toughest trips is to Rutgers" in the preseason mags, you know that the BCS is not gonna be your friend.

#3: Alabamuh will win more games in 2007 than 2006. Did you see the way Saban was greeted when he landed in Tuscaloosa? Did you see those 92,000 screamin red necks at the Spring Game? The bourbon will surely be flowin this season in Pachyderm Village. Think they will roll out the best stuff for LSU in November?

#4: USC will challenge. No, not the boys of Troy, I'm talkin the War Chickens from Columbia. They git Florida and Climsun at home. The Puppies from Athens better look out on September 8.

#5: The Other USC - Trojans, that is - will not win the national title despite everybody but the Holy One literally handing them the title before the season starts. The schedule is, well, not exactly gonna help. Road trips to Touchdown Jesus and Cornhuskerville are not conducive to winning it all.

The big ole staff at Fearless are busy getin ready for the season - but we'll surely check in with ya'll form time to time to make sure you don't forgit we're coming. Until then, drink some of the good stuff and enjoy two-a-days.