Week 1 Fearless Prognostications

Well folks, it's hard to believe it's that time of year again. You know what I'm talkin about too - lots of grilled and fried food, not to mention a few pints of the good stuff to wash it down with. Last year this fearless prognosticator was takin a little tour of the B&Bs up the Appalachian trail, but we're back with a vengeance. Or something. On to this week's picks...

Western Carolina at Alabama: I think every soul with a head on his shoulders knows about this one. It's a case of "it can't be any worse than last year." The Pachyderms went out, robbed a bank, and stole a coach. Seems they didn't want Aubruns to lose count as they got past their thumb. The Catamounts are getting paid. A lot. What the hell is a Catamount? There will be ceremonies, talks of the Bear, and an old-fashioned southern whippen for Saban's first un. Elephants 52 Catamounties 3

Florida State at Clemson: This is, like Bowden Bowl 10 or something. Somebody please pass the Geritol. Pappa Bowden takes his tribe up to Death Valley to take on his boy and Climsun. Young Bowden seems to be on the hot plate every year, but them somehow manages to real off 4-5 wins at the end of the year to save his kiester. Meanwhile, Old Bowden is clearly losing it, as he's letting Buster Brown (Tiny Terry) roam the sidelines. It's Labor Day in Primetime. Drink the good stuff. I feel another missed wide-right coming on. Either that or it's gas. Climsun 16 Tribe 14

Troy at Arkansas: Boss Hog and his Razor Piggies open up against the vaunted men of Troy. No, not that Troy. We're talking Troy, Alabama, that little hamlet somewhere in the middle of nowhere Alabama. The Nuttmeister has been pretty busy in the offseason - the new iPhone was a nice addition as this saves him countless minutes when he texting his friends right before game time. The Trojans have no shot, unless you count the bourbon the coach will drink right before kickoff. iPiggies 36 Men of Troy 13

Georgia Tech at Notre Dame: The Bumble Bees travel to Catholic Country for a little excitement in the midwest. The Catholics have "disguised" the season opening quarterback to throw off the opponent. Yeah that works. Sounds like Weis doesn't know who to start. Fortunately for them, the Bees are still the Bees. Expect a valiant effort, and a strong bourbon. Catholics 22 Bees 16

Tennessee at California: It's a little bit country meets a little bit of rock and roll. Or more likely, it's Hillbillies and Techies meet in Berkeley. Talk about a gatherin. It's a bit like a wedding between ugly people. You're happy for them, but jeez, please don't have kids. The Golden Bears - and we're not talking about a six-pack of Jack Nicklaus - were spanked by the Davy Crockets last year in Knoxville. Don't expect a repeat. The nerds have been workin on this plan all summer. The Fulminator could slide right into the hot seat. Bears 20 Crockets 19

LSU at Mississippi State: It's been a strange off-season. Sly was feeling good about himself after a win at Bama in November, then Nick Saban showed up. Les Miles was feeling good about being the man at LSU, then Nick Saban showed up.  Somehow ESPN convinced them to play this game on Thursday night. The Bullpuppies are pretty bad. The Purple Tigers are pretty good, although not as people think.  It's a good night to practice your grill skills before the weekend. Cajuns  28 Dogs 21

Kansas State at Auburn: The purple Wilcats from Manhattan - Kansas, not New York - invade Auburn Saturday afternoon with one thing on their minds. Ok, two things. Where's the check, and where's dinner after the game. Tubbs has made a massive overhaul of the Auburn schedule, trying his darndest to schedule a school that at least sounds like it's in the same division. On paper, yes. On the field, not so much. K State has as much chance of winning this game as Mike Shula has of getting his job back at Bama. Tiger 41 Purple Kittens 10

Western Kentucky at Florida: But why? The Crocs could win this one with their fourth string. In fact, don't be surprised to see the water boy at QB early in the 4th quarter against the mighty Hilltoppers. Don't know what the heck a Hilltopper is, but I bet they have a few barrels in the backyard in you get my drift. And you do. Crocs 200 Toppers 0

Oklahoma State at Georgia: This could be one of the more entertaining games of the day. The Cowboys ride into town to take on the Athens prison guards cause that's where all the Georgia players are these days. Ok, maybe not. I hear they are gettting out in time for kickoff. Richt has been moaning about a lack of facilities at Georgia this week. Sounds like he's not exactly focused on this week's opponent. Luckily the QB is. Dawgies 27 State 20

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky: It's like the Alabama-Auburn game. Except without the football and 95,000 fans. You might want to keep your kids away from this one. Mildcats 6 Eastern 3

Memphis at Ole Miss: It's a southern thing. So get some BarBQ, listen to some blues, and bring the comfort - Southern Comfort. Neither team matters much in the national scope, but it's sure to be a nice evenin on the Grove. Rebels 17 Tigers 10

Louisiana Lafayette at South Carolina: The War Chickens play host to one of those teams that have two names before you even get to the mascot. It's ashame they can't play with an extra player, cause that's their only hope in this one. Spurrier is gettin his boys all warmed up for their game next week against the Athenites

Richmond at Vanderbilt: Sure to be an ESPN instant classic. The spiders travel to take on Vandy. It's the game every year where some poor Vandy fan will utter the words "this could be our year to make a bowl." Then reality usually sets in in week 2. Anyway, I guess we should let the ships enjoy a little happiness before they line up and play a real football team. They may not cover the spread, but you're sure to cover the drink. Doormats 29 Spiders 17

Idaho at Southern Cal: The Trojans are very good. The Potatoes are not. Pass the pepper, a glass of vino, and don't forget to get to your seat quickly before the reserves come in. Trojans 95 Spuds 10

Comments

[MattB]

You should hope that the Tide beats up on the Catamounts. All that cash they're paying Mr. Loyalty better go to something. Otherwise, he's going to need bullet-proof glass from which to coach.

Watch out for Craigs alma mater. They're going to be pretty p.o.'d after this week.